Truth...I've been thinking it's all about me. I've been fearful, afraid, ashamed even, at times to share about what God's doing in my life and the ministry He's called me to. Why? Because I'm so negative and I'm such a Peter. I step out of the boat, I jump at the opportunity, then all of a sudden I think to myself, "whoa, whoa...this is some deep water here. Am I really standing on water? Is this possible?" I start to doubt, I start to see the waves, I get a little seasick and it's all downhill from there. Why do I doubt so much? Why do I not believe? Giving up yourself is not an easy thing. It's so hard to really let go and step out in faith and leave yourself hanging out there, vulnerable to everything.

I am

"like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea."-C.S. Lewis

If I stepped out in faith, I would know what great things God has for me. I would leave this life of half-hearted trust and fearful reluctance. If I would abandon all and yes, be naked, spiritually before my God and before men, I would experience true freedom. If I would let the truth of Christ resound from my heart, I believe I would experience such freedom. But I'm still so afraid. What will they think? What will they do? All false fears, I know...but still, this spiritual splinter cuts me at the core and I have to battle it every day. It's the thorn in my side, it's the flesh that wants to live and I must pray for it to die every day.

I had an awesome prayer time this past week a few days ago. I went to bed late and laid down for a while, but couldn't really sleep. I got up and knew I needed to "pray out" many things on my mind. I went downstairs and paced around the island in the middle of my kitchen, praying in the Spirit and asking God to renew my mind.

What came to me that night was that I realized my support raising is more about God changing my character than about my funds. That it was more about who He was making me to be, rather than what He wanted me to do. That money wasn't the issue. It's my heart. It's my character and about conquering my fears. He wants to stretch my faith and bring me into deeper reliance on Him. I realized this money was nothing to Him. The object of it was no difficulty for God to raise. And that He is willing to spend the money of others to invest into my life so that He can mold me and change me into the man of God He wants me to be. Like a sculptor who chips away at the piece of clay until that statue is complete, so God is doing the same with me.

This entry was posted by Christopher Wu, on Thursday, March 10, 2005. You can leave your response.