2:25a.m.
Yes, I'm still up at this hour...
I'm trying to finish my newsletter-gah! I always take forever! And in the process I'm downloading a bunch of pics the students took so I can include them in my newsletter. AND I'm listening to Michael Jackson's Number Ones while doing that. So good! I don't know why I shared that tidbit with you all, but I thought it would be amusing :)
Last night, I finally got to talk with a good brother of mine whom I just recently gotten to know. Friend, you know who you are and I thank you for being there for me, though I originally called to encourage you! But that's what happens when brothers look out for each other-you mutually edify one another, and it's great.
He reminded me that Satan is after my mind. Satan wants to turn it into mush so I'll be dumbed down, unable to hold a thought straight, and unable to to worship the Lord. But scripture calls us to be renewed in our minds daily.
Romans 12:1-2 is a scripture I know well, yet so seldom take to heart, or consistently apply to my daily living. I am to be a living sacrifice. My body is not my own. My life is not my own. I was bought at a price and I need to honor God with my whole being.
Freedom in Christ is being free to do what God calls you to do. It's not doing what you should be doing, and you do do it, though you really desire to do something else, and deny your true desire. It's doing what you want to do. It's the change of heart to actually desire Christ's will. It's not a reluctant obedience or a forced love.
Living to just deny ourselves of the pleasure we really want is not the kind of life Jesus offers us. That's living out of a false self. He wants to redeem those sinful desires I have so that I may hunger and thirst for righteousness. He wants me to live the abundant life. But too often, I trade that life for poor imitations.
Again, I am far too easily pleased. My spiritual hunger is not strong enough. Or, rather, I've fulfilled my physical needs so much (thinking it will fulfill the spiritual as well) that it's numbed me to my sense of spiritual need, which is what brings true fulfillment. Satan wants to do that so I don't live a life full of devotion, self-reflection, and meditation on God's Word. I am to worship the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and with all my strength. He requires all-not some or most of these, but all. Not only am I settling for less than what Christ wants to give, but I'm also afraid of letting go of what's tangible, accessible, what's right in front of me.
Recently there have been situations in my life that have exposed my heart. I feel naked and vulnerable 'cause it's like, "hi! I've got lost of issues!" "AH! I don't want you to see that!" I run and hide...because I'm afraid what you'll see will be too ugly to accept.
So I hide...I hide behind the nice smile, the clean facade, and fool everyone. I fool no one but myself and continue to keep myself locked up inside. I use coping mechanisms, comforters, "fig leaves," whatever I can get my hands on to cover me up and escape for a while, so I don't have to deal with the messiness I see inside my heart.
I look inside and sometimes I don't like what I see...
Recently, the hardest part of my Christian walk has been accepting God's grace for me. I can't accept the fact that after I've confessed it before Him that He'll just simply forgive me after all I've done. I think to myself, "I mean, I know you forgive God, but gosh...I do this over and over again. Aren't you sick of me already?"
I have a really hard time forgiving myself. God has forgiven me, but do I forgive me? No...and I often stand in the way of receiving Christ's grace for my sin. But what it really all comes down to is pride. I'ts a form of pride.
I'm afraid and feel so horrible for failing and falling short. And I don't want to come to Him because I'm too ashamed. But what it all really is is that I'm too prideful to let Him forgive me. Or, here it is: I'm too prideful to believe that He can simply forgive me for it. I have to pay. I have to give my penance. I don't want Him to forgive me! I want to have the power to forgive myself. How crazy does that sound?!
But when I do that, all I do is estrange myself from the abounding grace and love of Jesus Christ. It never works! It just breeds more condemnation and a spirit that is ill-willed and ultimately I remain in darkness. I have to let God love me. He even loves me with all this sin and ugliness. His love never changes but I don't want Him to love something that can be so despicable and ugly.
I've got to give it to Him every time and know that His love for me never changes, no matter how many times I fall.
I remember going to a men's retreat once way back at the beginning of this year and the speaker said something that just cut to the heart.
He said, "you don't do sin. Sin does you." GAH! Stab me in the heart!
But it's true! I can't think sin is some sort of manageable thing. It's not. I cannot deal with it. It will eventually destroy me. It can "serve" my end for a while, but eventually it will turn and eat me alive. Only the Lord can deal with it, and only the Holy Spirit, who lives in me, can possibly transform my heart and renew my mind. He has put His Spirit in me to be able to fight off sin and temptation.
With all that said, I'm doing a lot better now and it feels good to not hide as much as I was last weekend and to bring these things to light. I was in isolation because I was too ashamed to face up to it and confess it before others. But I can't let myself go down the road of self-condemnation because it's a horrible place. I can't keep things to myself and go it alone. God never wants us to go solo in our Christian walk. We need good friends in the fight. We need the body.
As Ecclesiastes 4 says,
Thank you to my friends who have been praying and interceding for me. I appreciate you so much and thank you for having the courage to reach out and speak into my life. I love you for it.
Have a great weekend everyone.
VICTORY IN CHRIST!
I'm trying to finish my newsletter-gah! I always take forever! And in the process I'm downloading a bunch of pics the students took so I can include them in my newsletter. AND I'm listening to Michael Jackson's Number Ones while doing that. So good! I don't know why I shared that tidbit with you all, but I thought it would be amusing :)
Last night, I finally got to talk with a good brother of mine whom I just recently gotten to know. Friend, you know who you are and I thank you for being there for me, though I originally called to encourage you! But that's what happens when brothers look out for each other-you mutually edify one another, and it's great.
He reminded me that Satan is after my mind. Satan wants to turn it into mush so I'll be dumbed down, unable to hold a thought straight, and unable to to worship the Lord. But scripture calls us to be renewed in our minds daily.
Romans 12:1-2 is a scripture I know well, yet so seldom take to heart, or consistently apply to my daily living. I am to be a living sacrifice. My body is not my own. My life is not my own. I was bought at a price and I need to honor God with my whole being.
Freedom in Christ is being free to do what God calls you to do. It's not doing what you should be doing, and you do do it, though you really desire to do something else, and deny your true desire. It's doing what you want to do. It's the change of heart to actually desire Christ's will. It's not a reluctant obedience or a forced love.
Living to just deny ourselves of the pleasure we really want is not the kind of life Jesus offers us. That's living out of a false self. He wants to redeem those sinful desires I have so that I may hunger and thirst for righteousness. He wants me to live the abundant life. But too often, I trade that life for poor imitations.
Again, I am far too easily pleased. My spiritual hunger is not strong enough. Or, rather, I've fulfilled my physical needs so much (thinking it will fulfill the spiritual as well) that it's numbed me to my sense of spiritual need, which is what brings true fulfillment. Satan wants to do that so I don't live a life full of devotion, self-reflection, and meditation on God's Word. I am to worship the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and with all my strength. He requires all-not some or most of these, but all. Not only am I settling for less than what Christ wants to give, but I'm also afraid of letting go of what's tangible, accessible, what's right in front of me.
Recently there have been situations in my life that have exposed my heart. I feel naked and vulnerable 'cause it's like, "hi! I've got lost of issues!" "AH! I don't want you to see that!" I run and hide...because I'm afraid what you'll see will be too ugly to accept.
So I hide...I hide behind the nice smile, the clean facade, and fool everyone. I fool no one but myself and continue to keep myself locked up inside. I use coping mechanisms, comforters, "fig leaves," whatever I can get my hands on to cover me up and escape for a while, so I don't have to deal with the messiness I see inside my heart.
I look inside and sometimes I don't like what I see...
Recently, the hardest part of my Christian walk has been accepting God's grace for me. I can't accept the fact that after I've confessed it before Him that He'll just simply forgive me after all I've done. I think to myself, "I mean, I know you forgive God, but gosh...I do this over and over again. Aren't you sick of me already?"
I have a really hard time forgiving myself. God has forgiven me, but do I forgive me? No...and I often stand in the way of receiving Christ's grace for my sin. But what it really all comes down to is pride. I'ts a form of pride.
I'm afraid and feel so horrible for failing and falling short. And I don't want to come to Him because I'm too ashamed. But what it all really is is that I'm too prideful to let Him forgive me. Or, here it is: I'm too prideful to believe that He can simply forgive me for it. I have to pay. I have to give my penance. I don't want Him to forgive me! I want to have the power to forgive myself. How crazy does that sound?!
But when I do that, all I do is estrange myself from the abounding grace and love of Jesus Christ. It never works! It just breeds more condemnation and a spirit that is ill-willed and ultimately I remain in darkness. I have to let God love me. He even loves me with all this sin and ugliness. His love never changes but I don't want Him to love something that can be so despicable and ugly.
I've got to give it to Him every time and know that His love for me never changes, no matter how many times I fall.
"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more" - Romans 5:20No matter how much sin I do, His grace is still greater. And
"the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" - 1 John 4:4
I remember going to a men's retreat once way back at the beginning of this year and the speaker said something that just cut to the heart.
He said, "you don't do sin. Sin does you." GAH! Stab me in the heart!
But it's true! I can't think sin is some sort of manageable thing. It's not. I cannot deal with it. It will eventually destroy me. It can "serve" my end for a while, but eventually it will turn and eat me alive. Only the Lord can deal with it, and only the Holy Spirit, who lives in me, can possibly transform my heart and renew my mind. He has put His Spirit in me to be able to fight off sin and temptation.
With all that said, I'm doing a lot better now and it feels good to not hide as much as I was last weekend and to bring these things to light. I was in isolation because I was too ashamed to face up to it and confess it before others. But I can't let myself go down the road of self-condemnation because it's a horrible place. I can't keep things to myself and go it alone. God never wants us to go solo in our Christian walk. We need good friends in the fight. We need the body.
As Ecclesiastes 4 says,
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.(Ecclesiastes 4:10,12)
Thank you to my friends who have been praying and interceding for me. I appreciate you so much and thank you for having the courage to reach out and speak into my life. I love you for it.
Have a great weekend everyone.
VICTORY IN CHRIST!
This entry was posted by Christopher Wu, on
Wednesday, September 20, 2006.
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